


Welcome To Knight Vale

by ienablu



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Multi, Welcome to Night Vale News Program Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 09:38:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ienablu/pseuds/ienablu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A friendly English town where the sun usually shines, the moon sometimes hides, and just the casual thought that our friendly English town is cursed is a thought crime and grounds for arrest. Welcome to Knight Vale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome To Knight Vale

A friendly English town where the sun usually shines, the moon sometimes hides, and just the casual thought that our friendly English town is cursed is a thought crime and grounds for arrest. Welcome to Knight Vale.

Good evening, dear listeners. I would like to start off today's episode with a hearty Happy Birthday to Knight Vale's resident town doctor, Gaius. It would be illegal to state how old he is turning, but he has been our resident doctor for many, many, _many_ years. And I would like to wish him many many more years of being our resident town doctor, for all our aches and pains, bumps and bruises, hangovers and that one time we all inexplicably, and illegally, turned blue -- but I overheard him talking, and saying he was thinking of retiring. This saddens me greatly, for more reasons than I can list.

The chief reason among them being that, honestly, I don't trust the young man who has come to replace him. I know some of you may be thinking a young, new doctor coming to Knight Vale would be cause for celebration or excitement, but I am sorry to report that it is not. There is an expectation for a new doctor to be tall, dark and handsome, young and dreamy, but he is nothing of the sort. He managed young, and tall, and as well all know, two out of five is considered a failing grade in Knight Vale, and if he were being officially graded, disciplinary action would have him mucking out the gas stations.

And now, for the traffic.

The eastern road is still blocked, following last week's rock slide. There has been no official report about what caused a rock slide when there is no area nearby where the rocks could have come from, but the popular theory is that these rocks came from Ascetir Bluffs. Our bi-annual community jousting competition is coming up, and for the sixth year in a row we will be beating them. Even their dirty tactics will not be enough to gain them the upper hand. Last year was their most impressive feat yet, as they spent the first half of the tournament chanting in unison, and the second half resulted in the summoning of a group of undead skeletons and subsequent battles to the death. In the end we were victorious against the skeleton warriors, and the Ascetir Bluffs, and there is no doubt in my mind we will be successful this tournament as well.

Especially not since the rumors on Twitter and graffiti on the back alley of the Rising Sun Tavern and Arcade that Percy, who is in no way a member of the Knight Vale Knights, is going to be competing. I mean, have you seen Percy? He is tall, and broad, his biceps are worth their prominent display and he could likely crush a watermelon with them. What a guy, what a guy.

And just a friendly reminder, there is no such thing as the sheriff having a secret police -- for morale purposes, they have been renamed the Knight Vale Knights, and calling them anything else could be considered an act of sedition. As well, the sheriff in charge of the Knight Vale Knights is not my father, despite what gossip some dedicated Twitter users and graffiti arts may be propagating.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

*

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*

An update on the new guy in town that may or may not be taking over for Gaius, Knight Vale’s resident town doctor. Gaius has texted me, informing me that the new guy in town is his nephew, who has come to Knight Vale for a variety of reasons -- variety being misspelt on text, but I think we can forgive a guy for a simple exchanged vowel on his birthday -- and one of those reasons is that Gaius is merely contemplating the idea of retiring, and he wanted his nephew Merlin to visit before it became a serious consideration.

And yes, listeners, you heard that right: his name is Merlin.

In my younger days when I used to be a falconer, I once had a merlin myself. He was a sharp bird, sleek and graceful.

Naming an awkward gangly guy _Merlin_ is like naming a small adorable bunny rabbit Killer, or like naming a ferocious dragon Fifi. Unless you're trying to be ironic, don't do it. And even if you want to be ironic, _don't do it_.

Also, in his text message, Gaius told me to stop making fun of Merlin. If Gaius were more technologically savvy, he would probably have included a frowny emoticon. As it were, I still can imagine Gaius’ eyebrow lifting up disapprovingly, in a way that would fill us all with great shame whenever we were on the receiving end of it. I remember it well, as I am sure all of you do. How could you forget the first time you admitted that the cautionary rune that appeared on your arm the morning of your Advanced Placement Latin psychic exam was not a diving warning but Sharpie? How could you forget telling him you fractured your toe because you half-jokingly half-not kicked your friend? How could you forget him asking you if you remembered him telling you not to touch the pustules amassed on the side of your elbow the first time you were tardy to class?

How could you?

My crazy half-sister Morgana has just texted me telling me to stop obsessing over Merlin, but what does Morgana know?

*

I have also just received a text message from Percy, who would like to confirm his upcoming participation in the Ascetir Bluffs biannual community joust. As well, he would like to confirm that he is in no way associated with the Knight Vale Knights, and warned me against mentioning him such a context again. Also, he texted me to confirm that my father would like to see me before I leave for the station tomorrow morning.

Speaking of bad news, Intern Morris has sent word via messenger dog that he is giving his two weeks notice. Now listeners, I want you to know, that for all I may, on occasion, poke fun of the interns here, they are all jests, made in good humor. I cannot tell if the letter Intern Morris sent had droplets of moisture on it from the messenger dog drooling -- unlikely, as the messenger was Tally, who is such a good doggie, who would never drool on any letter without written approval from the letter sender, and not even Intern Morris would be so daft as to sign off on that -- or if it is a result of Tally passing through the freak rainstorm on the corner of Balor and 7th Street -- and though Balor and 7th Street is on the entire other side of the town, Tally has been known to sometimes take her own path, when not given a color-coded map -- or if the drops of water were Intern Morris’ tears, but whichever way, Intern Morris, please know that we do not want you to leave our close-knit family here at Knight Vale Community Radio.

Thankfully for us, your letter arrived after the message from our sponsors, which makes it null and void. You have to wait three weeks before applying. On top of that, you did not follow the proper format -- although you wrote the necessary dactylic hexameter, enjambments were not allowed, and your couplet at the end was _not_ supposed to rhyme -- and so you will need to wait an additional three days and twenty six seconds. Better luck next time, champ. I would advise sleeping with a handful of pine needles under your pillow, to properly facilitate creative inspiration. If not for how to rework your resignation letter without enjambments, then at least on how to brew a proper cup of coffee, because they have just been getting worse and worse the past few weeks. The only way they have been palatable has been by an judicious application of creamer, but Intern Gwen informed me this morning that I had just used up the rest of it.

And now, the weather.

*

It has just come to my attention that Ascetir Bluffs has sent a messenger dog to our very own Mayor of Knight Vale, suggesting that they might be pulling out of the biannual community jousting competition. What _cowards_. They report that they are undergoing a siege from a griffon, but we all know that griffons, cockatrices and dragons were all expelled from the greater community at large decades ago. They are just making up flimsy excuses to cover the fact that they are terrified of jousting Percy, as they undoubtedly have spies scoping out the “Ways We Are Going To Beat Ascetir Bluffs” hash tag on Twitter. Again, they are cowards, to the point where it would almost bring me no pleasure to see them so thoroughly beaten during the jousting competition, except, they’re Ascetir Bluffs, our long arch rivals, and it would bring me immense pleasure to see them beaten. Although there have been instances in the past where the biannual community jousting competition has not taken place, and although the instances in the past where the biannual community joust have actually historically outnumbered the times in which the biannual community joust have taken place, I have to ask, where is the fun in that?

Even more importantly, I have to ask, how the hell did the messenger dog get through to Knight Vale? There are many paths in and out of Knight Vale -- the highway north to the twin cities of Mercia and Ismere, the underground subway tunnel to the Western Isles, the southwestern pleasant scenic route to Nemeth, and the eastern road to Ascetir Bluffs. But I cannot recall the last time any of these routes were accessible. Ascetir Bluffs have not fooled us with their proclamations of innocence regarding the rock slide. Nemeth, unfortunately, is unreachable, as the latest flooding from the Meredor Sea has swept away large chucks of the road, and has made the route sadly less scenic. The scientific community is still debating whether or not the underground subway tunnel to the Western Isles exists, or if it ever existed. And the northern highway is still blocked, after that one time Mayor Bayard of Mercia came to visit Knight Vale, and after that we collectively agreed that Mayor Bayard of Mercia is a loud, crass and ungrateful man, and that we could safely assume that everyone from Mercia and Ismere would be the same.

There are other ways to travel, but of course those are all illegal.

Obviously, the only solution must be that Mayor Cenred of Ascetir Bluffs must had the messenger dog sent over by means of teleportation. Although there has been great debates in the scientific community, short-distance teleportation has been shown to be effective on animals larger than a watermelon but smaller than an overgrown pumpkin, which reports from Intern Sefa do indeed report this would be the size. She also adds that the dog was absolutely adorable, and as our teleportation device has a two-year waiting list, this means she will be lucky enough to be appointed the caretaker for the messenger dog, until such a time that Mayor Cenred of Ascetir Bluffs provides a return address so that we will be able to deliver the dog back.

See, Intern Morris? If you were here at the radio station, you could be sent out on exciting news reports, and be getting a puppy. Instead, since your resignation letter failed two out of three objectives, disciplinary actions will be putting you in the stocks overnight -- or at least until the time of the night that the Knight Vale Knights have set as curfew.

When I asked Intern Sefa what time the Knights have set for curfew tonight, her text message told me “five minutes ago.” Which means I should probably be getting back to my flat. There is thankfully a twenty-six and a half minute grace period before curfew is able to climb up to the second story of buildings. Only now it is a twenty-one and a quarter minute grace period, and while I may be young, and exceptionally fit, I do not want to push my luck.

If I push it far enough, it may push back.

Good night, Knight Vale, good night.


End file.
